Authentic Eggnog

This is a guest post courtesy of our good friend, the Dentist. He and I have been friends since we were two overgrown fat kids in 6th grade randomly selected to be on the same rec. basketball league team together. Our team quickly went winless in our first season, but our bond of friendship was built that day. The Dentist is an afficianado when it comes to Christmas, so he offered to write and make me Eggnog. How could I resist? So without further ado, here is the Dentist.

A Nod to the ‘Nogg: An idiot Dentist’s guide to Eggnog

When you drink eggnog, you tell the world that you are a person of fine taste. Or that you are a person who enjoys the holiday season. In my case, however, I am telling the world that I care little for my body and willingly expose myself to Salmonella. But, I have been drinking eggnog for the past 25 plus years without incident, which is a pretty good sample size.

Homemade eggnog is vastly different than the store bought carton stuff you stumble upon at a holiday party. “Eww, that stuff is gross,” you’re probably thinking to yourself. Well, it was rumored that Eggnog was George Washington’s favorite drink. A quick google search will show a recipe that he supposedly “wrote down word for word.” I doubt George Washington had enough time make eggnog, let alone write about it. What with all the revolution, presidency and forming a new nation thing, taking up all his time. Unless he made Martha make it for him. George you sly devil you.

Still, making anything from scratch is a process, and if you’re as lazy as I am, there are a million other things you’d rather do with the 20 minutes it takes to make it. I made a Pro/Con list for you below:

ACTIVITY	PROS	CONS
Make Cookies	Tasty, delicious when hot	Boring, played out
Finish Christmas Shopping	I haven’t started yet	Decreased funds
Make Eggnog	Amazing, unique treat	None

 

No matter how you slice it, Eggnog is the best way to spend the next 20 minutes of your life. And it’s actually pretty easy. Eggnog is my favorite drink, and with the exception of Kittens, naps, and the 1998 Washington Capitals, could be my favorite thing ever. So let’s get rolling.

Acquire 6 XL eggs. Is it necessary that they are XL? The Unmanly Chef and I compared sizes of XL vs. Normal eggs and didn’t see much of a difference. But you’re already risking Salmonella, why add another variable to the mix.

An important disclaimer: Some people say eating raw or under cooked eggs can increase risk of foodborne pathogens and issues.   So this blog isn’t responsible if you get sick and drinking eggnog should be done at your own risk. Now that the legal stuff is out of the way, let me say this: Don’t be a sissy, take a risk. If you’re not living life on the edge, you’re taking up too much space. A few years back I met an ex-girlfriends family for the first time and brought a soufflé to Thanksgiving dinner. I proceeded to undercook said soufflé and serve this to the whole family. I sat uncomfortably for a 2 hours as the whole under cooked soufflé was consumed, and sat paralyzed by fear that I had inadvertently exposed the whole family to Salmonella. But everyone liked it and nobody got sick. There was a certain thrill associated with it, and I am still chasing that feeling. I invite you to do the same now!

Recipe – Traditional Eggnog

Ingredients

6 XL Eggs

3/4 Cup of White Sugar

2 Shots of Rum

2 Shots of Bourbon

1 Quart of Half and Half

Nutmeg or Cinnamon to Garnish

Method

Before you get started, get a container of sorts. Preferably something with a cap that you can shake, an old milk jug works great for this. It is also helpful to have a funnel for the end steps, but not totally necessary.

Step 1: Separate 6 XL Eggs with yolks in one bowl and whites in a larger bowl. You can transfer between the halves of shells, or with your hands, or some Alton Brown inspired kitchen gadget to separate the yolks and whites. If you have a fancy table mixer, put the yolks in the mixer bowl.

Step 2: Add ½ C. Sugar to the Yolks and whisk together. They should lighten up a bit and start to look delicious. Or at least it did to me. I was in the kitchen with other people, so I feared judgement if I put my finger in and licked the delicious looking yolk sugar mixture. Set this aside for now. Using your table mixer, hand held beater, (or if you’re still in 1970’s Soviet Russia, a whisk), Mix the Egg Whites until it forms stiff peaks. STIFF PEAKS. This is critical. Under mixed egg whites won’t taste as good. Is it possible to over mix the egg whites? I don’t know, probably, but I’m just a Dentist, not some chemist.

Step 3: Add ¼ C. sugar to the Egg White mixture and incorporate the sugar. You’re pretty much done the hard part.

Step 4: Mix the Egg White mixture, Yolk mixture, and 1 Quart of Half and Half together. This will all fit in the Kitchen aid table mixer. There was a moment of panic in the kitchen when I thought it would overflow. Sometimes I have to use to bowls.

Step 5:  Add 2 shots each of Rum and Bourbon. A word on Liquor:

I’m certain you could make a virgin batch of this without the Rum and Bourbon. It will still taste good. But the alcohol MAY (Again not a chemist, not even a real doctor, I’m a dentist) help prevent bacterial growth of any potential bacteria from the eggs. That’s not why I put it in, I put it in because it adds a small necessary “Bite” to the eggnog that gives it a little boast. The alcohol is not very noticeable and not like a mixed drink you’d get at Applebee’s.

Step 6: Transfer the mixture to an empty milk jug using a funnel. Do this over the sink. Mrs. Unmanly Chef could tell I would make a mess in her kitchen and advised I do this. It was a wise move.

Step 7:Chill for 2-3 Hours before Serving, Volume will decrease as it chills. Garnish with a dash of nutmeg or cinnamon.

Use this to impress at you’re next dinner party and laugh as your guests leave with numerous unknown illnesses. Just kidding (Hopefully). Happy Holidays.